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"Слишком активный разум вовсе не разум". Теодор Ретке
Хочешь, чтобы я повзрослела - отпусти...
Тревога, тревога, тревога…Естественное состояние семьи в период взросления ребенка. Особенно в подростковом возрасте. Дети боятся за себя, родители боятся за себя и за детей. А тот в семье, кто ничего не боится, тот просто в тревоге. У каждого из них свое право и своя история, которая скрывается за этими чувствами. Но я сейчас не об этом…
Родители это наше ВСЕ. Естественно в определенном возрасте и определенное время. Потом мы вырастаем, становимся на свои ноги, формируем собственные внутренние механизмы и научаемся справляться с обстоятельствами жизни, но….
Что такое очень раненное вдруг всплыло, когда я перечитала пост Марины Травковой в ФБ о том, что кто-то собирается украсть чужие истории и обвинить жертв насилия. Что-то очень раненное собственное поднялось внутри. Я не участвовала в этом флешмобе. Но я одна из тех с кем это случалось. И с той поры я учусь себя любить, защищать, отстаивать, поддерживать.
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Когда внешняя оценка - важнее внутреннего содержания...
Что происходит, когда внешняя оценка становится важнее внутреннего содержания? В таком случае фокус внимания с себя смещается на другого. Мы начинаем ориентироваться на кем-то придуманные, созданные правила, нормы, кому то данные обязательства и тогда во всем этом мы теряем себя. Мы перестаем слушать себя и спрашивать себя, а что для меня во всем этом важно? Чего я хочу? Что меня наполняет, когда я занимаюсь этим? Что для меня сейчас происходит в моей реальности?
Если я не задаю себе всех этих вопросов и не нахожу на них ответов, то в этот самый момент, мгновение или более длительный отрезок времени я проживаю не свою жизнь, а жизнь того, кто как мне кажется сейчас меня оценивает. Того, кто придумал все эти правила. Но СТОП. Действительно его ли жизнь я проживаю. Я с трудом могу представить себе до конца другого? С его чувствами, мыслями, переживаниями? Он другой и я могу иметь только свое представление о нем.
Так где же в этот момент я нахожусь? Возможно в придуманном, вымышленном мною мире. Этот мир напоминает мне захламленную комнату, в которой мы заняты лишь тем, чтобы перекладывать с места на место вещи, без попытки осмыслить откуда они здесь взялись и нужны ли мне в будущем.
А самое главное, что в этот момент я не присутствую до конца в себе и в своей собственной реальности, а следовательно.....не живу. Конечно аллегорически. На самом деле я могу в этот момент ходить, смотреть, говорить умные вещи. Но я не являюсь собой в полном смысле этого слова. Некоторые люди живут так большую часть своей жизни и платят за это.....Платят тревогой. Той самой, непонятно откуда берущейся, охватывающей нас внезапно и доставляющей столько неприятных ощущений. Тревогой от которой очень трудно куда-то убежать, потому что она как тот колокол у Хэмингуэйя "всегда звонит по тебе". Она необходима для того, чтобы ежедневно напоминать тебе: "Ты не живешь, не живешь, не живешь". Вот почему я не вижу смысла в работе избавлять человека от тревоги.
Она как подарок бессознательного, бога или вселенной. Она напоминает нам о необходимости Со-присутствия в жизни. Она помогает задавать вопросы и искать ответы.